Desperate Housewives - Mama Spent Money When She Had None

As the Prince song goes, "Money changes everything." And money--and the lack thereof--was the issue du jour for last night's episode of Desperate Housewives.

With Bree firmly ensconced in the "Haves" category--along with the newly re-employed Carlos Solis along with Gaby faced off against the "Have nots": Lynette and Tom struggling to stay afloat and Mike and Susan unable to send M.J. to private school.

It was hard to muster up any sympathy for Susan and the private school tuition issue. As a product of the public school system, it's not the worst fate to befall a human being. And one can't imagine the public school district to which Wisteria Lane belongs being disadvantaged. Stealing the pearls that Mike gave Katherine as a gift to hock for M.J.'s tuition? That's ditzy even by Susan Mayer standards. And when said pearls turned out to be $129 fakes, Katherine dealt with the information with humor and grace.

Best line: Lee oohing over the pearls Mike gave Katherine and saying, "He's a keeper. Oh that's right--you didn't keep him, did you?"

Gaby's biggest dilemma is fitting into the dress she wore when Carlos proposed to her for their anniversary. Despite her assertion that she's "one good colonic from being the old me," the dress is still too tight. She cajoles Edie into giving up the secret she told McCluskey of how she lost 5 lbs. in one day. "I got drunk on bourbon and threw up over her lawn!"

But Edie's secret weapon is a hardcore boot camp--so elite you need a referral to get in. She refuses to help Gaby get in until Gaby taunts her. The boot camp is led by an intense Israeli drill sergeant who makes Gaby sign a contract. When Gaby gets nauseous doing crunches, he tells her "You retch on your own time!"

Gaby tries to quit and he tells her, "You can't quit. It's in the contract!" and "When you don't come to boot camp, boot camp comes to you!"

Gaby walks away from her fellow campers only to be chased down by Edie who gives her a piece of her mind.

You go, Edie!

Gaby gives in and rejoins the group and loses some of the attitude and in addition to enough pounds to fit into her dress.

Bob struggles with the knowledge that Dave ratted out Porter. He tells Lee who insists they must tell the Scavos. "No, it'll just get ugly," Bob tells him. "I'm okay with that!" Lee replies. Bob tells Lee that Dave scares him.

He IS pretty creepy...

Seeing Dave sucking up to Tom later, Lee spills the bean about Dave's part in Porter's arrest. Tom shows up at Dave's home and punches him in the face.

You go, Tom!

Dave promises to make things up to Tom and Lynette and Tom tells him, "Lynette doesn't know anything about this. If she did, you'd be dead."

Later Edie asks Dave about his first wife and what was different about the marriages. "Our marriage is more real," Dave tells her. But before Edie can bask in the glow of those words, he continues, "With her it was like a fairy tale. I thought it would last forever...Ours is more real because I know it won't last forever..."

Note to guys everywhere: Honesty is not always the best policy.

But the real money issues were between bitter and jealous Lynette and oblivously unctuous Bree. Tom has to sell his beloved classic Mustang due to the Scavo's financial difficulties--or as Lynette puts it, "Sadly, we can no longer afford Tom's midlife crisis..."

She oozes resentment when she sees Bree's brand new Lexus which comes complete with a refrigerator and self-parking. When Bree realizes Lynette's financial straits, she offers her $20,000. Lynette doesn't want to accept the money for fear that they won't be able to pay it back and it will affect her friendship with Bree.

Then Bree offers it as a gift--no strings attached. Lynette refuses again--but then comes up with the bright idea of making Bree a 15% partner in the restaurant. Bree graciously accepts and to thank her, Lynette plans a party in her honor at the restaurant. In order to boost restaurant attendance, Bree decides instead of a party she'll have her book signing there.

But when Bree finds out that Tom and Lynette are planning on serving pizzas made with one of her recipes, the control freak freaks out. Especially when she sees Lynette using processed parmesan instead of fresh. When Lynette isn't looking, she pitches the pizzas and makes new ones.

Lynette finds the pitched pizzas and calls Bree on it telling her she can't go around changing things without checking with her first. "Well, I can change 15% and I chose the parmesan!" Bree says lightly. This pisses Lynette off even more and she storms off, accidentally backing into Bree's Lexus as she's leaving.

Later she tries to give Bree a check for the damage, but Bree rips it up after she leaves.

So we had Susan being whiny and Lynette being bitchy and Gaby being self-centered. I didn't think Bree was as awful as Lynette was painting her, Edie was her usual feisty self and the lady who came off best in last night's episode was definitely Katherine Mayfair.

Too bad Dave will probably kill her soon...