Memos to Morons - part six

TO: Potential Employers

RE: How to Properly Conduct Yourself During the Hiring Process

I've spent the last three months searching for the ideal career opportunity. And, although I have finally found said position (Yay!), the job search was a grueling process. No thanks to the many employers that I encountered along the way. So for you, moronic employer, I offer a few basic tips:

1. Please post a salary range in your ad. Let's get past the whole salary history/salary requirements guessing game. If your range is too low, I won't waste either of our time in applying. And while we're at it, please be reasonable in coming up with that range. I've seen ads where an employer wants someone to maintain their website, keep their books and basically run the show--for a whopping $13/hr. C'mon people, this is L.A.! Rent is expensive, gas is expensive--who can live on $13 an hour?!!

2. Everything is electronic these days. If you request a resume via e-mail or your web-based application system, don't ask me to print two copies to bring to the interview. You have an office and a printer, print out your own damn copies! I will never understand this request.

3. If you have a deal-breaker when it comes to skills, please identify this in our brief phone interview. It makes no sense to have me come out for an interview only to find that I don't not possess the required experience in SAP. It wastes your time, but more importantly, it wastes mine.

4. I know you've received hundreds of submissions and you cannot reply to each applicant. But, if you've called me in for an interview, then you owe me the courtesy of a follow-up of where you are in the process. Out of the many interviews I had, only two employers had the respect to let me know where things stood. Even a "Sorry, we've hired someone else" via e-mail is sufficient.

5. Recruiters, for the most part, you are the pathetically parasitic leeches that sponge off the talents of others. Thanks for taking my resume to fill a quota and then never bothering to follow-up with me. I'll be sure to recommend your services highly to my friends. NOT!!!

6. Careerbuilder and Monster, enough with the layers of junk ads that I must wade through to apply to a job. How sneaky of you to make said ads look like I'm applying to a job, rather than signing up for a pitch to attend dental hygienist school. Please go away! This is why I prefer using Indeed.com.

7. Dear Spammers, I have no interest nor am I qualified to sell insurance. I know you think my resume posted on Monster is an indicator that I am DESPERATE, but I'm not. Please stop filling my inbox with "Special Offers." Please stop calling my cellphone with your sales pitch.