Help Wanted

Speaking of Labor Day, it's a bit ironic that on this day we celebrate the American workforce, I am...unemployed. Trying to find a job is a bummer. During the summer, it's a bitch. And trying to find a job in the summer during a recession is a gift from George W. Bush, thank you very much!

It doesn't help that I can't even understand most of the job titles and qualifications I see posted: Ruby on Rails, Sabanes-Oxley, SAP (who in the world would admit to THAT?!!), Lean Leader, Master Black Belt (I don't think they're talking about karate...), LAMP Expert, etc.

Sigh.

Then, wading past the Analysts and Finance Managers and Executive Slave Assistant jobs, I see a Best of Craigslist posting for my dream job. Too bad it's in London:

HENCHMAN NEEDED

20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme.

Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).

Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:

-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)
-unwavering loyalty
-being a corruptible government official
-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety)
-grudge against any well-known vigilante
-flexible moral code

Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.

Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.

Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!

- Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi

I mean except for the mandatory functional rubber suit with logo on the front, is this a cool opportunity or what? The salary starts at twenty-thousand pounds which is only a little over $36k in USD, but the ad promises "added commissions based around success of supervillain operations." And states "Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers."

Hmm, I wonder if there's a 401k and dental?