Mr. Romance

Mel is still talking on the phone, his office door ajar.
Jimmy pushes it open and cautiously sticks his head in. Mel
has his back to him--one hand holding the phone to his ear,
the other rubbing his temple as if on the verge of a migraine.

MEL
(into the phone)
--but I already told you I was sorry!
How can you expect me--
(beat)
Yes, sweetheart. Yes, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. OK. I'll see you--

Mel stops talking and looks at the receiver which is emitting
a DIAL TONE. Beaten, he sighs. He hangs up the phone and
turns to Jimmy.

JIMMY
Bad day?

MEL
I forgot our anniversary.

JIMMY
That's not good.

MEL
Well, it's not exactly easy. We've
got the anniversary of when we first
met, our first date, our first kiss,
the day we moved in together. How
can anyone keep track of all this?

JIMMY
The year Jordan was drafted by the
Bulls?

MEL
What?

JIMMY
What year was Michael Jordan drafted
by the Chicago Bulls?

MEL
1984.

JIMMY
First Bulls NBA championship?

MEL
1991 over the L.A. Lakers.

JIMMY
Last time the Sox won a World Series?

MEL
1917 over the Giants.

JIMMY
Your memory for dates doesn't seem
to be impaired.

MEL
Whose side are you on anyway?

JIMMY
Which anniversary did you forget?

MEL
Uh—-the first time we--you know.

JIMMY
Oh, man--

MEL
Yeah. I don't understand it. For
our first kiss anniversary, I bought
her a dozen roses. And I gave her
an engagement ring for her birthday.
Doesn't that count for anything?

JIMMY
Yeah. You get two points. One for
each. So--I wanted to discuss my
assignments.

MEL
Only two? The engagement ring set
me back almost ten grand. Seems
like that would be worth, I dunno—-
fifteen-hundred points or something.

JIMMY
How long were you guys together before
you proposed?

MEL
Six years.

JIMMY
Yeah. It's worth two points. See
it's like a goal in basketball. It
doesn't matter if it's a gravity
defying slam-dunk, an over the
shoulder flip or an easy lay up-—
it's still worth only two points.
Doesn't matter how pretty it was or
how much effort went into it. Two
points. Now about my assignments--

MEL
But still--I must have racked up
thousands of points over six years.

JIMMY
Yeah but so has she. And you have
to keep racking up the points or
else she'll feel like she's beating
you. You have to keep the score
even.

MEL
What does she get points for?

JIMMY
Making dinner, buying Christmas
presents for your family, picking up
your dry cleaning, having sex with
you--

MEL
She gets points for having sex with
me?

JIMMY
I've seen you without a shirt-—she
gets extra points for having sex
with you.

MEL
Do I get points for having sex with
her?

JIMMY
No.

Jimmy shifts gears.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
So I was thinking I would be good at
covering the Northwestern games...

MEL
So I forgot an anniversary. I lost
one point. So what's the big deal?

JIMMY
Well, now by forgetting you not only
lose the point, you get a penalty.
It's like you're fourth and ten on the
other team's forty yard line
and you get called for holding.
Fifteen yards moves you out of field
goal range. What do you do?

MEL
Punt?

JIMMY
No! There's only ten seconds on the
clock and you're down by two.
Strategy, man!

MEL
So what do I do?

Jimmy sighs and shakes his head. He sits down in a chair
next to Mel's desk and thinks. He straightens up and turns
to Mel.

JIMMY
You get one of her girlfriends to
get her out of the house all day.
Take her shopping or something.
Clean up the house while she's gone.
Hire a cleaning service. Make sure
it's spotless. Then, you make her a
romantic dinner. When she comes
home, the table is set for two with
candles and flowers -- the whole
nine yards. She asks you, "So what's
the occasion?" And you say to her—

Jimmy pauses and leans in.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
This is the anniversary of the day I
fell in love with you all over again.

MEL
That's good!

JIMMY
You pour her a glass of wine, massage
her feet --

MEL
--and then a romantic dinner—-
followed by a little dessert?

JIMMY
If you do this right, you won't make
it to the entree.

Mel considers this. He likes it--it makes sense. Jimmy
sees his opportunity.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
Now that we have that resolved, I
wanted to talk to you about my
assignments.

MEL
Monday. I have a romantic weekend
to organize.

Mel gets up and puts on his coat. Turning to Jimmy as he
rushes out the door,

MEL (CONT'D)
Thanks buddy, I owe you!

Jimmy is left in the empty office.

JIMMY
Yeah, well, I'm glad we had this
little chat!