Desperate Housewives - Season Finale Heroics

The season finale of Desperate Housewives went out with a whimper instead of a bang (although gunshots were fired!) last night. Speaking of whimpering--the was the basic storyline for Susan this season. Last night's two part episode had her whining about naming the new baby Maynard after Mike's recently deceased grandfather. After much ado, she finally relents after Mike explains that his grandpa started the first integrated elementary school in Tennessee and took him and his Mom in when his Dad went to prison. Excuse me people, but the kid will get teased--we couldn't have Maynard as the middle name? Sheesh.

Susan's other conniption came when Julie announced not only had she been accepted to Princeton, but she was granted an internship for the summer as well. Susan's not ready for her older baby to leave the nest, so she tries to prevent it by telling Julie she can't afford it. Eventually she also relents here and lets Julie leave after a tearful Mother-Daughter scene. That's what passes for drama in the Mayer household. The writers have clearly had enough of Teri Hatcher. It's surprising that she's not leaving Wisteria Lane instead of Edie--who was no-where to be found in the finale. Guess she's already hit the road. Hmmm....

Bree's drama came in the form of Orson skulking around trying to get her to forgive him and take him back. She tries to dissuade him by pretending to flirt with the church's pastor, but that backfires when the pastor makes a pass at her. (Get it? Pastor makes a pass at her. Oh, nevermind...) Angry at being rebuffed, the pastor is about to preach about "a red-headed harlot in our midst who needs to be unmasked" when Orson steps in to defend his wife. An altercation between the two sends Orson to the hospital and puts Bree in a more forgiving state of mind. Orson shows up again after a flat tire and dead cell phone has Bree pushing an ice sculpture in Benjamin's stroller, but Bree still insists she can't forgive Orson until he turns himself into the police.

The ice sculpture was for the reception for Bob and Lee's commitment ceremony. It was good to see the token gay couple again--even if they were merely a comic foil for the ladies' stories. Bree and Katherine were slated to inaugurate their catering company for the nuptials--but Katherine bailed on Bree leaving her to coerce Gabby, Lynette and Susan to help her pull off the party. Although she has issues with their contributions telling Lynette, "Your swan is pathetic and I'm firing you from napkin duty!" When Orson offers to help she tells him, "Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face!" Bree had some of the best lines all night.

The police set up a sting operation to catch Elly's dealer, but when she walks in on Roy, the undercover cop, and Gabby, Gabby throws herself at Roy pretending that he's the handyman and she's having an affair with him. Gabby tells Elly, "Sometimes you get bored and a big, greasy handyman really hits the spot!" But Elly reveals the "secret" to Carlos who in turn confronts Gabby. Gabby is pissed to find that Elly has ratted her out--"You trust someone and they betray you. It sucks!" and tells Carlos it was a ruse to keep Elly in the dark about the sting. Carlos isn't too sure about it given Gabby's past history with cheating on him. Gabby confronts Elly about the betrayal only to feel sorry for Elly when she reveals how her father left when she was only thirteen after catching her Mom cheating. So when the dealer shows up and the cops make their bust, Gabby warns Elly to slip out the back.

Later, Elly calls Gabby to ask her if she'll bring her teddy bear. Apparently it was a gift from her absentee Daddy--but of course it was where she stashed her drug money. The strapped Solis' find $180k stuffed inside the bear and decide to keep it to cover their debts. (Seriously, how long would $180k last with Gabrielle's shopping habits? A month?) Elly threatens Gabby to get her money back and Gabby sets her up by tipping the cops off. Elly slips into the Solis house to retrieve her money and of course a catfight between her and Gabby ensues. When Gabby calls out for the cops, Elly slips out and blends into Bob and Lee's reception.

The commitment ceremony almost didn't take place with Bob and Lee arguing over the ice sculpture. Lee wants a castle, Bob wants a cherub. Bob pretends to appease Lee but tells Bree to stick with the cherub, "And later when he bitches about it, I'll just buy him some jewelry." Lee's insistence on the cherub was due to Tom's advice that if he caved, it would set the tone for the entire marriage. Of course, Tom is having issues of his own due to having to send the evil spawn Kayla to live with her grandparents--although what the nice old couple ever did to deserve Satan's daughter, I'll never know.

Kayla's exit (big sigh of relief!) came after she attempted to get Lynette jailed for "abusing" her. The family therapist, Dr. Dolan, calls Social Services after Kayla tells him that she's afraid of Lynette (actually--it was the other way around!) and Kayla ups the ante by burning herself with a curling iron and telling the social workers that Lynette did it. Lynette is carted off to jail and Tom tells Kayla when she is released, the two won't be able to live in the same house. Kayla is psyched because she thinks it means that Lynette will be leaving, but Tom tells her, "She lives here, Kayla." Kayla admits that she made it all up and Tom makes her promise to tell the truth--but when he tells her she will still have to leave, she tries to blackmail him, too. Fortunately, Tom had his cell phone recording Kayla's confession with Dr. Dolan at the other end.

Even though he realizes that Kayla was evil and had to go, Tom is angry about it. But Lee and Bob's bickering makes him realize that his marriage is more important. He tells them, "If you're willing to break up over an ice sculpture, you two should definitely not get married" and then goes on to give a passionate speech about sticking with each other through thick and thin--tornadoes and cancer and demon children. It was all about heroics last night--especially with the men. First Orson's chivalry, then Tom's passion and last but not least, Adam arriving to save the day...

The biggest drama was the Katherine/Dylan secret coming to a head last night. Wayne, the abusive ex-husband, kidnaps Adam and tries to beat the truth out of him. When he thinks Adam is dead, he goes after Katherine. Meanwhile, Katherine is desperately trying to get out of Dodge--thus the reason for bailing on the catering job--but Dylan isn't leaving without an explanation. So Katherine tells her the truth--and Dylan runs out crying. Katherine searches the neighborhood for her unsuccessfully and when she returns to the house, Wayne is waiting for her. She runs to the kitchen to get her gun, but Wayne beats her to it. She tells him to just go ahead and shoot her and he says, "What about Dylan? Or should I say that girl that lives here with you?"

While in the midst of the showdown, Elly walks in trying to escape from the cops outside. Wayne shoots her. Then Bree shows up to rail at Katherine for leaving her in a lurch--and Wayne takes her hostage, too. So Katherine is forced to tell Wayne the truth about Dylan. When Wayne last tracked her down, she was about to run again but Wayne showed up at the house. They had an argument, she hit Wayne with the candlestick and he left. She thought it was over--but while she was celebrating by drinking scotch with Aunt Lilly, little Dylan climbed up the bookshelf to retrieve the doll her daddy gave her. The bookshelf toppled on top of her and she was dead when Aunt Lilly found her the next morning. Lilly convinced Katherine she couldn't report it because Wayne would claim it was murder. So they buried Dylan and Katherine adopted a Romanian orphan that looked just like Dylan to cover up the real Dylan's death.

When Wayne hears the story, he's ready to kill Katherine, but a bloody, beaten Adam arrives in the nick of time--literally crashing Bob and Lee's party. He manages to subdue Wayne, but when he and Bree go to call the police, Wayne taunts Katherine telling her it's not over. She says, "I know" and shoots him dead. Bree then concocts a scheme telling the police that there was a struggle and Katherine managed to wrest the gun from Wayne and it went off. The other ladies corroborate the story and the police deem the shooting self-defense.

That would have been sufficient for the season finale--but for some odd reason Marc Cherry chose to torment us with a "Five Years Later" epilogue:

- A dumpy, hausfrau Gabby running after two rambunctious daughters
- Bree as the new Martha Stewart with son Andrew as her personal assistant and apparently reunited with Orson
- Lynette dealing with her juvenile delinquent biological offspring
- Katherine without Adam but on good terms with a newly engaged Dylan
- and Susan with a new, young husband?

What the @#$%?!!!