Rents on the rise--and so are the predators...

Ah, Los Angeles! Dreamers flock here by the thousand only to have the hard cold water of reality splashed in their face. As P.T. Barnum used to say, "There's a sucker born every minute," and here in L.A., there are many people poised to take advantage. I've been looking for a new place to live for over a year now. My biggest priority: Quiet. I've had enough of slamming doors, honking horns, people who think 2 am is an appropriate time to do laundry and the sound of porn seeping through the walls from the apartment next door.

It's time to move on. Unfortunately, the greedy money-whoring landlords in Los Angeles are all collectively on crack. It's almost impossible to find a studio for under $1,000. A thousand dollars!!! That's more than what I was paying for my 2 bedroom/1.5 bath condo mortgage AND HOA fees eight years ago. I've seen ads for some "luxury" studio for over $2k. Outrageous.

When I first moved out here, I put an ad in the Recycler looking for a place to live. I got a call--on my birthday coincidentally. The guy had a 2 bedroom guest house in Santa Monica north of Montana (if you're not from around here--that's a really, ritzy area...). Anyway, his former in-laws had been living there, but with the divorce he was kicking them out. And he'd tried the dating scene, but...Are you getting the picture yet? It took me a while, but it soon dawned on me--the guy was bartering housing for sex.

Ew! I shudder to recall. Three years later when I was again looking, I made the mistake of placing another Recycler ad. That same guy called me again. Pathetic. It's even worse now with rents so obscenely high. The predators are prowl--and this time they're using Craigslist. I learned from a very young age that if it seems to good to be true, it probably is. But these ads don't even bother to make you read between the lines--they lay it right on it.

Like this ad titled "Free Rent for the Right Female" located in the Santa Clarita Valley:

Large 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath Two story house near Magic Mountain. Nice park across the street.
I need you to take care of the house with occasional bedroom romps (at least three a week)
You get your own room and bath.
I have two small outdoor/indoor young dogs.
Alcohol and 420 are OK. No other drugs.

You know, it used to be that the gold digger/sugar daddy relationship consisted of the gold digger being "taken care of" in exchange for sex. Now they have to clean the house, too? The skeeve who placed this ad included a picture of himself and another of the two dogs. He looks like Fabio's older brother--and I don't mean that in a good way. Yuck!

At least this guy, Dean, has a better grasp of the sugar daddy/gold digger dynamic:

Hello. My name’s Dean: Caucasian, mid forties, good-looking, honest and responsible. I’m seeking some one to have a relationship with. I reside in a petite two-bedroom apartment in Hollywood, California. You’re welcome to use the second room if you’d like and there’s plenty of food; both at no cost. I’ll buy you items you need and pamper you. If you’re a young attractive female who’d like this type of arrangement, send a photograph. Only contact me if you’re serious.

Only here's the problem--he allegedly wants someone to "have a relationship with." Dude, if that's the case--get on match.com, start dating, meet someone you're compatible with and then have them move into your place.

It's good to know that females aren't the only ones targeted for this type of arrangement:

FREE. Hey,I know this sound like bull shit! free rent? how can that be? well it's true! come and see for yourself! I have a large two bedroom,two bathroom condo in west hollywood. I want to find someone that is open minded and easy going and understanding,and willing to try something new.the new part is being my room mate FOR FREE,in exchange for personal services for me. I'm a nice guy, just don't like going out to bars much, so why not find a guy that is good looking, age 18 to 30 that is HIV & STD FREE and open minded to live with me...If you really need a place then you should come see my place,and if you and I think we would make good room mates,your let me know.

Good roommate? Dude, you're not looking for roommate--you're looking for a "bottom." "Personal services"? Please.

Mostly these ads are posted (over and over and over) by skeevy guys who obviously are incapable of attracting female companionship by traditional methods. I did see one ad that was placed by a female--a lesbian couple as a matter of fact who wanted a guy around the house to do guy stuff (opening pickle jars and taking out the trash I guess...) and as eye candy. And then there's this ad:

We would like to find a female who wants to move into our beautiful home in Woodland Hills,(los Angeles) and take over all housekeeping M-F. We will provide a furnished room, food, wireless internet, your own phone line, TV with all the satellite channels. In addition, we will pay you $300 a week for the cleaning. This is a great setup for someone who wants a nice place to live and to save up some money.

The room is a small room off the garage. It has its own entrance and exit. The cleaning involves handling all laundry, dishes, vacuuming, mopping, bathrooms and general housekeeping. This is for someone who understands this would be your job M-F during the day, that is why we are paying $300 a week and giving free room and board.

We also want to find a female who is open to having adult "playtime" with my husband and me. If you aren't open to that, then this isn't the position for you.

Ugh. Slave labor and a concubine to boot. Live in housekeepers usually don't have to fuck their employers. Cleaning out your toilet is bad enough...

This guy has been posting several times a day for weeks. He's stopped now. I hope it's because he got a clue instead of scoring some poor clueless girl with his ad titled "Any Ladies who need a place immediately. Must be unattached:"

I live in a tiny house mostly unfurnished. " No Deposit's!-No Security!..None. No Lease!.. See photo below. If your a woman any aged who needs a place right away, no concern about rent money.If you ran out of funds, but you can still take a bus or you drive, you need to be able to get to the middle of the valley. You Decide!

Realize, I'm 45 in age. Absolutely no boyfriend!!-. There are no rooms available except mine to share! See picture below. This is like "camping-out" in a warm-room. T.V. heat and full house useage. But no other rooms available!
I don't want to deal with jealious stuff or other guy issues.

...IF your almost homeless, email.

Then he includes a photo of himself in all his skeeviness:

Yikes! I'm at a total loss as to why his e-mail inbox hasn't been FLOODED with responses from "ladies" eager to share this hottie's bedroom. Don't ya love the awesome hairstyle? The gym-buffed butt? The keys to your cage hanging from his belt loop? Scary, huh? Such is life in LaLa land. You've got to take the bitter with the--uh, more bitter in most cases. OK, I apologize for making y'all look at that. To make it up to you, here's Clive again:

Unfortunately Clive Owen isn't posting to share his room on Craigslist. He doesn't have to.

To all the predatory losers posting these ads, a suggestion: Find a roommate and use the money that you get from renting to pay for a hooker. 'Kay?