Desperate Housewives - Of Crabs and Kidnappings

Last night's episode of Desperate Housewives had our fearless foursome dealing with STDs, slutty cheerleaders, dognappings and relatives from hell spilling carefully kept secrets. Let's start with the slutty cheerleader, shall we?

Lynette gets a brief respite from chemo and her libido returns in full force. Unfortunately, when she takes her wig off during a lovemaking session with husband Tom, his libido drops off the charts. At the wig store getting her wig repaired, Gabby convinces her to try a bit of variety to get Tom's motor racing again. So she becomes a "redhead" and slutty cheerleader Brandy gets Tom's juices flowing again. Problem is, when Lynette gets her regular wig back, Tom isn't interested in Lynette but wants to have sex with "Brandy" again. This leads to a discussion of how Lynette's illness affects Tom and Lynette moans that she's become a self-absorbed "cancer bitch." Um, what? Could any person be more self-absorbed than during someone else's life-threatening illness play the "what about me?" card. Seriously--did that card get played when Tom's back went out last season and he was a whiny spoiled brat? Unbelievable.

Next, dognappings--as in Raphael, the dog of new neighbors Bob and Lee, the gay couple that's moved in next door to Susan. Lee is played by Kevin Rahm who I loved in Judging Amy--but even better his partner Bob is played by Tuc Watkins from my favorite soap, One Life to Live. ON OLTL, Tuc played David Vickers, a snarky but lovable con man. He had the best lines on the show, but it looks like Kevin Rahm is going to get the snarky lines on DH telling a gushing Susan that, "I hope we can live up to your stereotypes." His character is bitchier than Bree and Katherine combined.

Anyway, the inept Susan gets off on the wrong foot with the neighbors and in an attempt to get them to like her, she ends up kidnapping their dog and hiding him in her garage. She pretends to search the neighborhood with Lee--planning to "find" the dog and become a hero in Lee's eye. Her plan is foiled when Mike comes home and accidentally springs Raphael from the garage--where he's knocked over a can of paint. He jumps up on Bob's Dolce suit with yellow paws--and that's the end of Susan's misguided "heroics." Now Lee and Bob AND Mike are thoroughly irritated with Susan. With storylines like these, Susan is fast going from a lovable neurotic to an annoying psycho. Maybe Mike will dump her and she and whiner Tom can hook up and live miserably ever after...

The girls want to throw Bree a baby shower which she has so far deflected. But Andrew aids and abets the ladies into surprising Bree with the unwanted party--even to the point of inviting her former mother-in-law, Phyllis. When Bree and Phyllis get into an argument, Phyllis storms out--but not before she goes to retrieve the sable coat she gave Bree years ago. Rescuing her coat from Bree's closet, she finds the fake bellies and Bree's secret. She is about to out Bree at the shower, but decides not to. Instead, she plans a little kidnapping of her own--of Danielle from the convent.

Katherine's pain-in-the-ass relative problems come in the form of dying Aunt Lilly--who apparently had a hand in whatever secret they are keeping from daughter Dylan. She almost spills it to Dylan, but Katherine intercepts her. But before she dies, she writes a note--which slips out of her hands and under the bed. Will Katherine find it and sweep it under the carpet before Dylan does?

And finally the crabs--which Edie picked up from the tanning bed and spread to Carlos, who of course gave it to Gabby who passed it on to Victor. Carlos is afraid Victor will discover he's been infected and that Gabby has been cheating on him. After the ominous threat Victor made after learning about her dalliance with the gardener, Carlos fears for his life. In a hysterical scene, Gabby dresses up like a slutty nurse (slutty nurses, cheerleaders--who says this is a chick show?) and administers the crab treatment to an unwitting Victor. But in a cleverly written scene at Bree's shower, Edie smells the familiar scent of "licorice" on Victor. Then a waiter offers her a crab cake. She watches as the same waiter offers crab cakes to Carlos, and then Gabby and finally Victor and her mind makes the connection of just what that medicinal odor emanating from Victor actually was. Kudos to the writers! That was brilliant!